So, Rob and I got into a stupid argument, one he probably wouldn't even consider an "argument", but one that has bubbled over into a boiling rage for me. It started because of this little blog I read ( http://www.datingish.com/722252364/frankly-my-dear/ ), and a question that I asked that apparently is not one he likes. Honestly I can't remember what I asked. I'm sure it was something along the lines with "What would you do if I died?" or "Would you move on if I died?" or "If I died would you..." Something like that. Of course I can see how he hates that question; it's an impossible question that he can't answer. But his reaction was simply a lash against me, and goodnight. Of course the conversation happened online, so he essentially hung up on me. He left, leaving me no time to justify it, or joke with him about it like I was intending for it to be. I ask in good humor and he hangs up on me like I'm not even worth his time.
So me being me, my first reaction was "Well, Fuck you too."
And in my rage I went to sleep stewing about how rude, and completely ridiculous he was being.
I woke up that way too.
Only to have my mother scold me for even asking a question when it's obvious that he doesn't take death well, or separation or change, and call me insensitive to "where he's at". Now my fury is diverted temporarily to her.
...and finally I find the words for why I'm pissed at her.
It's not because she is a control freak (I've dealt with that my whole life).
It's not because when my son is mad at me, he chooses her.
It's not because she undermines me, although that is infuriating and it does get to me...
It's because she cannot image a situation in which she is wrong. She says she does, but she doesn't live up to it. She's the woman that will always claim to be right in every situation, push all the blame on you, and then turn around and feign humility. She'll act like she stands up for herself when she's right, and takes it in stride when she's wrong. But here's the real kicker, she takes accountability just often enough that when you ask her for a situation where she was wrong and admitted it, she'll have a situation handy.
I'm sure at this point I'm coming off like a moody teenager trash talking her mom, but its more than that.
Here she is in a relationship with my Dad that she obviously hates being a part of. She found out (after years of suspicion) that he cheated on her with a number of people she knew, and she's rightfully upset. So, she has two options, leave or stay. She decides to stick with the Church's answer for everything and stay. But she's also twisting her religion to say exactly what she wants it to say.
It's biblical that the man is supposed to support the family. My dad has always been living off of my mom's salary because he supported her through college.
It's biblical that men are fierce, and strong, and healthy. My dad is too overweight, and broken, and immerses himself in television to keep himself out of depression. He is broken because he can't provide for her. She's taken pride in being a successful woman, and up until this point, she hasn't even thought of alternatives, like maybe she should support him while he goes back to finally get his degree. Nope, never crossed her mind.
So she wants him to do something to prove that he loves her, and regain her trust. So she tells him to build a well in the back yard, because wells have particular significance to her, and she wants to hear the flow of water again. So he gets to work, he sets the foundations, and then life gets in the way, and now its winter. So she's pissed he didn't finish. He's not strong enough, he doesn't have what it takes.
Next was compliments, flowers, gifts, evenings for just the two of them, exercise together. He didn't do it enough.
Next was lose the weight he put on trying to ward off women.
He hasn't done it yet.
Now we are here...months later, my mom has told me the fire has gone out and she wants to do all these things for herself that she hasn't done because she was married to my dad. It's to the point that she calls me over to her in the kitchen last night and tells me about her justifications for everything...
Apparently she went to confession to confess that she's addicted to food (Wow, what a thought) which is sinful because food should be a refuel, not an indulgence...(See what I mean about that complicating religion thing?) and the father stops her and tells her that she's dealing with an emotional trauma, and to fight emotional traumas, you need emotional remedies, and food is an emotional remedy. The priest told her that for her Lenten promise she needs to do something for herself everyday.
So now she has liturgical justification for selfishness.
And that leaves my dad on his knees grovelling, unable to do anything right, and her telling him that if he doesn't wash her feet, she'll figure out how to get someone else to do it.
So where's her responsibility to the marriage? What happened to a partnership? Yes. I get that he hurt her and violated her trust, but that doesn't give her free reign to make a fool of him and leave anyway. If she's going to stay in the marriage she may as well try to make it better. Try to forgive him, but she won't forgive him. (To turn to biblical references, it's a damn good thing that God isn't this picky about us making up for our sins, he freaking did it for us...) She's holding it above him and telling him to get rid of it.
I'm in class now, and losing track of my thoughts...
I guess to end it, I've decided that sure...I shouldn't have asked Rob that question, but I'm justified in my anger that he just signed off, and completely disregarded me...He deserved a big "fuck you" for that. And he got it. But for my mom to go on and on about his feelings like she knows him...well, that pisses me off, especially if she's going to accuse me of being insensitive, and wrong.
